I ♥ Uwe Boll

Okay before I'm lynched by friends and family let me explain (spoilers galore):

Since we were told that the Postal movie trailer was to be shown before "Dungeon Siege: In The Name Of The King" (I may have that title backwards but you've probably heard of it by now) we all had a company outing to see the film. Since Uwe's rep isn't exactly stellar I was fearful the movie was going to be dreck on a stick. And OH MY GOD I was totally wrong!!!!! This had to be the unintentionally funniest film I have seen in my entire life! I know I risk being pummeled to death by the gonzo german director (whom I met) but sweet jesus this film is a dismal film on an EPIC scale. So much so it ends up being riotously funny due to a plethora of reasons:

1. Casting
If you questioned the choices for roles in the film... STOP NOW. The actors are soooooooo completely out of left field the film is taken to an entirely new level. Burt Renyolds as the (very grumpy) king delivers each line like he's in a western or aping Ed Asner, Statham playing a farmer named "Farmer" (I can't make stuff like that up) turns in his trademark brand of chopsocky thrill-a-minute action and delivers lines like he's in a Guy Ritchie film, and Ray Liotta as the villan "Gallian".... well I'm not quite sure. For most of the film he carries himself like a swaggering vegas mobster while wearing suits that would make the late Liberace giggle with glee. And then there's Matthew Lillard as "the Duke". Turning in an bewilderingly eccentric myriad of characters from Jack Sparrow to Shaggy from Scooby Doo "the nephew" will have you scratching your head from the second he appears with his on again off again english accent. Bravo to all who appear.

2. Dialogue
In the first 5 minutes you'll get a taste of the brand of dialogue that can only be akin to those wonderful student films in high school which help to elevate this wonderful film even further. Ron Perlman (as Norrick) with his "I'm only here for my check" style of delivery is priceless. As is the rest of the banter between all the characters in the film. Many of the exchanges will have you cringing for more AND BEST OF ALL the King has a death scene exchange with Farmer that seems to go on for an eternity! Man oh man give the writer a raise!

2. The Action Scenes
Rather than find a stunt coordinator that will teach the actors to fight with period accurate finesse, Uwe gives a hearty fuck you to conventional rationale and tapped martial arts choreographer Tony Ching to inject some Asian influence. And oh my god does it make a difference. The second Statham picks up a sword you'll be both amazed and extremely confused by the fact that he not only knows how to fight WAAAAY better than any farmer I've ever seen but also appears to posses an asian sword that probably only exists this pseudo Europe. But this isn't much of a problem since your gray matter will be tasered into submission by the blistering action that stitches this gem together. And please (I'm BEGGING you) stay until the final fight between Statham and Liotta. You will piss yourself and black out from laughing so hard.

3. The Krug (a.k.a. the not orcs)
If the Lord of the Rings trilogy has taught us anything it expressed the need for a colossally evil nemesis to be overcome by the good guys. In this film we have The Krug ("jug" in german..no idea if this is related but I wouldn't rule it out with Uwe's inestimable cognitive powers). Controlled via Liotta creepy smoke whirlwind powers these rubber suited fuckers are so bad ass they are willing to set their own troops on fire and catapult themselves at the enemy. And as the puppet master, Liotta also controls his army via a tall creepy figure on horseback that looks like he was ripped out of the Lord Of The Rings. Two major differences is they all seem to move like synchronized swimmers and he can speak through the wraiths sounding like a wonderful Darth Vader knockoff sans the athsma. Their major weakness? These guys can be dispatched by cutting off their heads which produces an inky black smoke and gives Ray a headache (BONUS!)

4. Ninjas and Tree Lesbians
I'm not joking here....yes Ninjas . Uwe with his finger constantly on the pulse of the internet community's obsessions threw in sword swinging tree climbing ninjas as part of the kings army AND as an added bonus gave us beautiful Cirque Du Soleil-esque tree lesbians who dispatch their foes with living jungle vines and live in the forest. Yes the forest...I'm totally not bullshitting you. These lovely ladies also arrive without explanation but give a Xena Warrior Princess feel to the picture. But how dare you question Uwe's genius.

5. CGI
A majority of the film is rendered for the sheer fuck of it and I couldn't be happier. Beautiful effects greet you like dancers in a Vegas strip club. From swirly smoke to dancing swords fighting it out, to LOTR-esque scenery (funny how that keeps coming up..sorry). No expense seems to have been spared to give you enough eye candy to put your peepers in a diabetic coma.

6. Wire Fu
Think House of Flying Daggers had alot of wire-fu? *PFFT!* This german visionary laughs at you! From Farmer tip toeing across the helmets of the Krug to Ray Liotta hovering ala Trinity from the Matrix. Bra-fricking-vo!

...I could drone on about the million things I was amazed by but I humbly request you see this film with as many people as you can and share the complete and utter joy that is sidesplitting dramady...

...thank you Uwe, you have moved me.

Little Superstar (like you've NEVER seen it)

Long time ago I had featured a video on the blog about the super strange bollywood flick "Little Superstar" It's pretty much an internet phenomenon BUT when I saw this I nearly pissed myself. Click play if you dare...

Happy Birthday Matt Frewer!

w........t..........f......

metal, viking, and canadian....three words you'd never think you'd see in one sentence.



...wow

wise words from several centuries ago

With the "elections" (read as "farce") fast approaching, the words of Han Fei Tzu ring true for what we should be demanding from the morons who lead us...

1 A Country’s Strength Depends on Law

No country is permanently strong. Nor is any country permanently weak. If conformers to law are strong, the country is strong; if conformers to law are weak, the country is weak.


2 Promote Followers of the Law

Therefore, at present, any ruler able to expel private crookedness and uphold public law, finds the people safe and the state in order; and any ruler able to expunge private action and act on public law, finds his army strong and his enemy weak. So, find out men following the discipline of laws and regulations, and place them above the body of officials. Then the sovereign can not be deceived by anybody with fraud and falsehood. Find out men able to weigh different situations, and put them in charge of distant affairs. Then the sovereign cannot be deceived by anybody in matters of world politics.


3 Beware of Promotion by Reputation or Partisanship

Now supposing promotions were made because of mere reputations, then ministers would be estranged from the sovereign and all officials would associate for treasonable purposes. Supposing officials were appointed on account of their partisanship, then the people would strive to cultivate friendships and never seek employment in accordance with the law. Thus, if the government lacks able men, the state will fall into confusion. If rewards are bestowed according to mere reputation, and punishments are inflicted according to mere defamation, then men who love rewards and hate punishments will discard the law of the public and practice self-seeking tricks and associate for wicked purposes. If ministers forget the interest of the sovereign, make friends with outside people, and thereby promote their adherents, then their inferiors will be in low spirits to serve the sovereign. Their friends are many; their adherents, numerous. When they form juntas in and out, then though they have great faults, their ways of disguise will be innumerable.


4 Civil Decay Follows Punishment of the Innocent

For such reasons, loyal ministers, innocent as they are, are always facing danger and the death penalty, whereas wicked ministers, though of no merit, always enjoy security and prosperity. Should loyal ministers meet danger and death without committing any crime, good ministers would withdraw. Should wicked ministers enjoy security and prosperity without rendering any meritorious service, villainous ministers would advance. This is the beginning of decay.

Were such the case, all officials would discard legalism, practicing favoritism and despising public law. They would frequent the gates of the residences of cunning men, but never once would they visit the court of the sovereign. For one hundred times they would ponder the interests of private families, but never once would they scheme for the state welfare of the sovereign.


5 Efficient Administration Depends on Upholding the Law

The law of the early kings said: "every minister shall not exercise his authority nor shall he scheme for his own advantage but shall follow his majesty's instructions. He shall not do evil but shall follow his majesty's path." Thus, in antiquity the people of an orderly age abode by the public law, discarded all self-seeking tricks, devoted their attention and united their actions to wait for employment by their superiors.

Indeed, the lord of men, if he has to inspect all officials himself, finds the day not long enough and his energy not great enough. Moreover, if the superior uses his eyes, the inferior ornaments his looks; if the superior uses his ears, the inferior ornaments his voice; and, if the superior uses his mind, the inferior twists his sentences. Regarding these three faculties as insufficient, the early kings left aside their own talents and relied on laws and numbers and acted carefully on the principles of reward and punishment.

Thus, what the early kings did was to the purpose of political order. Their laws, however simplified, were not violated. Despite the autocratic rule within the four seas, the cunning could not apply their fabrications; the deceitful could not practice their plausibilities; and the wicked found no means to resort to, so that, though as far away from His Majesty as beyond a thousand li, they dared not change their words, and though as near by His Majesty as the courtiers, they dared not cover the good and disguise the wrong. The officials in the court, high and low, never trespassed against each other nor did they ever override their posts. Accordingly the sovereign's administrative routine did not take up all his time while each day afforded enough leisure. Such was due to the way the ruler trusted to his position.


6 Let the Law Select Leaders

Therefore, the intelligent sovereign makes the law select men and makes no arbitrary promotion himself. He makes the law measure merits and makes no arbitrary regulation himself. In consequence, able men cannot be obscured, bad characters cannot be disguised; falsely praised fellows cannot be advanced, wrongly defamed people cannot be degraded. Accordingly, between ruler and minister distinction becomes clear and order is attained. Thus it suffices only if the sovereign can scrutinize laws.


7 The Law Treats All Alike

The law does not fawn on the noble; the string does not yield to the crooked. Whatever the law applies to, the wise cannot reject nor can the brave defy. Punishment for fault never skips ministers, reward for good never misses commoners. Therefore, to correct the faults of the high, to rebuke the vices of the low, to suppress disorders, to decide against mistakes, to subdue the arrogant, to straighten the crooked, and to unify the folkways of the masses, nothing could match the law. To warn the officials and overawe the people, to rebuke obscenity and danger, and to forbid falsehood and deceit, nothing could match penalty. If penalty is severe, the noble cannot discriminate against the humble. If law is definite, the superiors are esteemed and not violated. If the superiors are not violated, the sovereign will become strong and able to maintain the proper course of government. Such was the reason why the early kings esteemed legalism and handed it down to posterity. Should the lord of men discard law and practice selfishness, high and low would have no distinction.

Hence to govern the state by law is to praise the right and blame the wrong.


Think about it...And if you plan on voting in these elections, don't let these thumbdicked politicians get you hook, line, and sinker. Demand more.