I ♥ Uwe Boll
Okay before I'm lynched by friends and family let me explain (spoilers galore):
Since we were told that the Postal movie trailer was to be shown before "Dungeon Siege: In The Name Of The King" (I may have that title backwards but you've probably heard of it by now) we all had a company outing to see the film. Since Uwe's rep isn't exactly stellar I was fearful the movie was going to be dreck on a stick. And OH MY GOD I was totally wrong!!!!! This had to be the unintentionally funniest film I have seen in my entire life! I know I risk being pummeled to death by the gonzo german director (whom I met) but sweet jesus this film is a dismal film on an EPIC scale. So much so it ends up being riotously funny due to a plethora of reasons:
1. Casting
If you questioned the choices for roles in the film... STOP NOW. The actors are soooooooo completely out of left field the film is taken to an entirely new level. Burt Renyolds as the (very grumpy) king delivers each line like he's in a western or aping Ed Asner, Statham playing a farmer named "Farmer" (I can't make stuff like that up) turns in his trademark brand of chopsocky thrill-a-minute action and delivers lines like he's in a Guy Ritchie film, and Ray Liotta as the villan "Gallian".... well I'm not quite sure. For most of the film he carries himself like a swaggering vegas mobster while wearing suits that would make the late Liberace giggle with glee. And then there's Matthew Lillard as "the Duke". Turning in an bewilderingly eccentric myriad of characters from Jack Sparrow to Shaggy from Scooby Doo "the nephew" will have you scratching your head from the second he appears with his on again off again english accent. Bravo to all who appear.
2. Dialogue
In the first 5 minutes you'll get a taste of the brand of dialogue that can only be akin to those wonderful student films in high school which help to elevate this wonderful film even further. Ron Perlman (as Norrick) with his "I'm only here for my check" style of delivery is priceless. As is the rest of the banter between all the characters in the film. Many of the exchanges will have you cringing for more AND BEST OF ALL the King has a death scene exchange with Farmer that seems to go on for an eternity! Man oh man give the writer a raise!
2. The Action Scenes
Rather than find a stunt coordinator that will teach the actors to fight with period accurate finesse, Uwe gives a hearty fuck you to conventional rationale and tapped martial arts choreographer Tony Ching to inject some Asian influence. And oh my god does it make a difference. The second Statham picks up a sword you'll be both amazed and extremely confused by the fact that he not only knows how to fight WAAAAY better than any farmer I've ever seen but also appears to posses an asian sword that probably only exists this pseudo Europe. But this isn't much of a problem since your gray matter will be tasered into submission by the blistering action that stitches this gem together. And please (I'm BEGGING you) stay until the final fight between Statham and Liotta. You will piss yourself and black out from laughing so hard.
3. The Krug (a.k.a. the not orcs)
If the Lord of the Rings trilogy has taught us anything it expressed the need for a colossally evil nemesis to be overcome by the good guys. In this film we have The Krug ("jug" in german..no idea if this is related but I wouldn't rule it out with Uwe's inestimable cognitive powers). Controlled via Liotta creepy smoke whirlwind powers these rubber suited fuckers are so bad ass they are willing to set their own troops on fire and catapult themselves at the enemy. And as the puppet master, Liotta also controls his army via a tall creepy figure on horseback that looks like he was ripped out of the Lord Of The Rings. Two major differences is they all seem to move like synchronized swimmers and he can speak through the wraiths sounding like a wonderful Darth Vader knockoff sans the athsma. Their major weakness? These guys can be dispatched by cutting off their heads which produces an inky black smoke and gives Ray a headache (BONUS!)
4. Ninjas and Tree Lesbians
I'm not joking here....yes Ninjas . Uwe with his finger constantly on the pulse of the internet community's obsessions threw in sword swinging tree climbing ninjas as part of the kings army AND as an added bonus gave us beautiful Cirque Du Soleil-esque tree lesbians who dispatch their foes with living jungle vines and live in the forest. Yes the forest...I'm totally not bullshitting you. These lovely ladies also arrive without explanation but give a Xena Warrior Princess feel to the picture. But how dare you question Uwe's genius.
5. CGI
A majority of the film is rendered for the sheer fuck of it and I couldn't be happier. Beautiful effects greet you like dancers in a Vegas strip club. From swirly smoke to dancing swords fighting it out, to LOTR-esque scenery (funny how that keeps coming up..sorry). No expense seems to have been spared to give you enough eye candy to put your peepers in a diabetic coma.
6. Wire Fu
Think House of Flying Daggers had alot of wire-fu? *PFFT!* This german visionary laughs at you! From Farmer tip toeing across the helmets of the Krug to Ray Liotta hovering ala Trinity from the Matrix. Bra-fricking-vo!
...I could drone on about the million things I was amazed by but I humbly request you see this film with as many people as you can and share the complete and utter joy that is sidesplitting dramady...
...thank you Uwe, you have moved me.
Since we were told that the Postal movie trailer was to be shown before "Dungeon Siege: In The Name Of The King" (I may have that title backwards but you've probably heard of it by now) we all had a company outing to see the film. Since Uwe's rep isn't exactly stellar I was fearful the movie was going to be dreck on a stick. And OH MY GOD I was totally wrong!!!!! This had to be the unintentionally funniest film I have seen in my entire life! I know I risk being pummeled to death by the gonzo german director (whom I met) but sweet jesus this film is a dismal film on an EPIC scale. So much so it ends up being riotously funny due to a plethora of reasons:
1. Casting
If you questioned the choices for roles in the film... STOP NOW. The actors are soooooooo completely out of left field the film is taken to an entirely new level. Burt Renyolds as the (very grumpy) king delivers each line like he's in a western or aping Ed Asner, Statham playing a farmer named "Farmer" (I can't make stuff like that up) turns in his trademark brand of chopsocky thrill-a-minute action and delivers lines like he's in a Guy Ritchie film, and Ray Liotta as the villan "Gallian".... well I'm not quite sure. For most of the film he carries himself like a swaggering vegas mobster while wearing suits that would make the late Liberace giggle with glee. And then there's Matthew Lillard as "the Duke". Turning in an bewilderingly eccentric myriad of characters from Jack Sparrow to Shaggy from Scooby Doo "the nephew" will have you scratching your head from the second he appears with his on again off again english accent. Bravo to all who appear.
2. Dialogue
In the first 5 minutes you'll get a taste of the brand of dialogue that can only be akin to those wonderful student films in high school which help to elevate this wonderful film even further. Ron Perlman (as Norrick) with his "I'm only here for my check" style of delivery is priceless. As is the rest of the banter between all the characters in the film. Many of the exchanges will have you cringing for more AND BEST OF ALL the King has a death scene exchange with Farmer that seems to go on for an eternity! Man oh man give the writer a raise!
2. The Action Scenes
Rather than find a stunt coordinator that will teach the actors to fight with period accurate finesse, Uwe gives a hearty fuck you to conventional rationale and tapped martial arts choreographer Tony Ching to inject some Asian influence. And oh my god does it make a difference. The second Statham picks up a sword you'll be both amazed and extremely confused by the fact that he not only knows how to fight WAAAAY better than any farmer I've ever seen but also appears to posses an asian sword that probably only exists this pseudo Europe. But this isn't much of a problem since your gray matter will be tasered into submission by the blistering action that stitches this gem together. And please (I'm BEGGING you) stay until the final fight between Statham and Liotta. You will piss yourself and black out from laughing so hard.
3. The Krug (a.k.a. the not orcs)
If the Lord of the Rings trilogy has taught us anything it expressed the need for a colossally evil nemesis to be overcome by the good guys. In this film we have The Krug ("jug" in german..no idea if this is related but I wouldn't rule it out with Uwe's inestimable cognitive powers). Controlled via Liotta creepy smoke whirlwind powers these rubber suited fuckers are so bad ass they are willing to set their own troops on fire and catapult themselves at the enemy. And as the puppet master, Liotta also controls his army via a tall creepy figure on horseback that looks like he was ripped out of the Lord Of The Rings. Two major differences is they all seem to move like synchronized swimmers and he can speak through the wraiths sounding like a wonderful Darth Vader knockoff sans the athsma. Their major weakness? These guys can be dispatched by cutting off their heads which produces an inky black smoke and gives Ray a headache (BONUS!)
4. Ninjas and Tree Lesbians
I'm not joking here....yes Ninjas . Uwe with his finger constantly on the pulse of the internet community's obsessions threw in sword swinging tree climbing ninjas as part of the kings army AND as an added bonus gave us beautiful Cirque Du Soleil-esque tree lesbians who dispatch their foes with living jungle vines and live in the forest. Yes the forest...I'm totally not bullshitting you. These lovely ladies also arrive without explanation but give a Xena Warrior Princess feel to the picture. But how dare you question Uwe's genius.
5. CGI
A majority of the film is rendered for the sheer fuck of it and I couldn't be happier. Beautiful effects greet you like dancers in a Vegas strip club. From swirly smoke to dancing swords fighting it out, to LOTR-esque scenery (funny how that keeps coming up..sorry). No expense seems to have been spared to give you enough eye candy to put your peepers in a diabetic coma.
6. Wire Fu
Think House of Flying Daggers had alot of wire-fu? *PFFT!* This german visionary laughs at you! From Farmer tip toeing across the helmets of the Krug to Ray Liotta hovering ala Trinity from the Matrix. Bra-fricking-vo!
...I could drone on about the million things I was amazed by but I humbly request you see this film with as many people as you can and share the complete and utter joy that is sidesplitting dramady...
...thank you Uwe, you have moved me.
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